Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
