shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
