if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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