I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
