i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He shit in the fireplace
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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