It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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