Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
