Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
