You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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