no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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