Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
