i just sent this text using only my big toe
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
