I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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