I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
