his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
