my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
