i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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