remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
