My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
