Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
