Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
