After last night, I could never be a politician.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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