There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
