2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
