i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
only you would photoshop your dick
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
