Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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