You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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