fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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