its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
