p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
