i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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