Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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