i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
