if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
