I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
