It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
