life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
