You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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