just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
