When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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