You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
