I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
