There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
