More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
