two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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