remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
