Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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