Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
