when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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