He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
