I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
