We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
