i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
