I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
