I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
