She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
