Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
no you cant smoke seaweed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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