woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
