I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
