I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
